Doing It All (I Don't!)

In my dream life, I sit and sip tea whilst I read the Great Classics with some dreamy soundtrack playing gently in the background.  There is usually chocolate somewhere close by as well.  My adoring children are laughing quietly, playing sweetly and reading their favorite stories close at hand.

In my real life, I gulp my too hot tea too fast scalding myself while preparing the next meal someone will complain about, Cupcake pulling on my leg to be pick up and then set down as soon as she is up, someone in timeout, someone yelling, someone achieving temporary deafness to his or her mother's voice that has just requested something be done, or something be stopped.  Meals ready with no one wanting to eat them, dishes piling up, laundry never done and wondering why my dryer is no longer drying things in one round and guilt for not hanging the load on my clothesline in the first place, but knowing I cannot do that without Cupcake running to play in the road as Sweetheart works to add in fence to keep the aforementioned child contained.

No one wants to do school, including the teacher, wondering if I will be able to harvest anything to sell this weekend, or if the weeds will completely overtake the universe, but still excited about the bigger than softball-heading to bowling ball-sized melons I spied amongst the weeds, thinking I should be canning something right now, but just not even willing to go there, wondering how I lost my dehydrator I desperately need this week, and thinking even the neighbors' offers of berries to pick is just one more thing to do instead of the amazing blessing it is.

I can't even seem to get over the neighbors' to get the milk today.  Rejoicing that I am not the one needing to get it out of the cow and however did I do that for six months?  Waiting on a phone call for the last few hours.  (Hooray!  The phone rang while typing this sentence!)  Excited to have another neighbor coming by to buy some of my stuff for gifts.  Hoping I can talk her into taking a few dozen zucchinis home with her teas and lotions.  ;)  Trying to get excited about making Lasagna with Zucchini Noodles for dinner, but thinking it just isn't going to happen today.

Wondering if I should publish or delete this really random post, but figuring this is real life and I hate blogs that make other peoples' lives always look perfect when I am sitting here barefoot because my shoes have chicken poop on them on the back porch.  Maybe I should sit down with something-anything-to read for five minutes and sip some tea before the next mini-crisis begins.

So, how's your day?

One Yearish

It is hard to believe we have been here for about a year. What can I say? I haven't written mostly because this anniversary is a big deal in my life, but probably no one else's. I have written a lot about what is going on around here, but there is also a lot left unsaid.

I know that I often write about the positive things and not the negatives. This drives certain people who know me nuts. But still, this is a blog. It isn't a confessional. I fight myself daily on the need to focus on the good, not the bad. To focus and write about more of the challenges would make my day to day life even harder, I think.

I have been colder, sicker, lonelier and sadder this year for more than probably any other year I can remember. I have had more struggles and disappointments and challenges that I would have thought possible for something as simple as a move. But this has been no ordinary move.

I am tired of feeling stupid and that all that I know and am good at just don't really matter here. I am tired of being laughed at by people who have lived this life for so long that they don't remember any other way, or have simply never lived any other way. I am tired of the endless chores, the projects that are never finished, that nothing is easy here, that fixing one thing usually results in the need to fix ten other things.  I am tired of bugs, cow poop landing on me, not knowing what to do in all of these totally new circumstances.  I miss my family, my friends, my stores, and other conveniences.  I miss a lot of things.

But......

I have learned a lot.  Boy, have I ever!  Think about it all.  Really.

I also have just over five beautiful acres to wander and dream about.  I have apple trees, plum and pear trees, and a cherry tree that I hope to get to have cherries from this year.  I have plenty of room to plant anything I want.

I have chickens and a cow.  A cow, people.  Who would have believed it?  Poor cow.

I have a little pond, a quiet grove of trees to hide in, and a barn.  Empty pastures are all that separate us from National Forest land.  I have fresh air to breathe (though cold) and good, clean water to drink.

There is so much work to do to get to do all the things we want to do (!) but we have done a lot already.  I keep trying to remind myself that this is just a period of time and that it will get better and projects will get done.  I don't want to waste my writing time whining, especially since I am already too good at it.

This isn't a perfect life, or an easy life.  It is hard when people have told me they think it all sounds so perfect.  Hah. It is far from it.

I am not sure where the balance lies.  I have never wanted to present an image like I see on too many blogs of everything picture perfect.  Neither do I read those that simply complain all the time.

Yes, I go quiet usually when things are hardest simply because that's what I do.  I am a rather private person and take things very personally.  Very.  I know this about me.  It is simply a part of who I am.  I don't want to spew anger and negativity all over everyone's screens.  I don't want to write what I might later regret.  I don't want my kids to look back on this some day and wish I could change my words.

Also, my not writing coincides with the fact that when things are really hard, I simply don't have the time to write!  I have too much work to do to sit and blog.  I can't be sitting here in front of the screen when my family needs me.  Sometimes, I am simply having trouble with my computer as rural internet access can leave a lot to be desired.  These last several weeks service has been very spotty and is a real reason I haven't written much.

I don't know.  I don't have all the answers.  I am simply trying to live this life the best I can.

And I am still looking for friends here.  *sigh*  Let me know if you are interested in the position.  ;)

Linking up to Barn Hop #48.  Go visit and see what everyone else is up to!

tonight

tonight i stopped
and i watched a spider dance in the sky overhead
spinning and weaving silken threads
invisible to my eyes

tonight i stopped
and watched the sky
turn pink and gold and dusky purple
on fire for a moment

tonight i stopped
and tasted summer
wild plums
picked moments before
matching the summer sunset


tonight i stopped
and laughed
as the juice ran down my chin and hands
turning all sticky sweet

tonight i stopped
and listened to the wind
blowing first through the elms
then setting the apple trees dancing

tonight i stopped
and heard the crunch of gravel
neighbors coming home
and the horses talking to one another
and the lonely duck on the pond making his beautiful awful honking quack
and the summer song of the crickets in the pasture

tonight i stopped
and watched the green apples and leaves
with their promises of autumn and pies
turn to shadows against the barely glowing sky
while searching for the first stars of the night

tonight i stopped
and swung in my hammock
hung between two apple trees
dreaming and counting the gifts of this life
and smiled in the moonlight
and thanked Him for it all

tonight i stopped
simply because i knew
that January will come
its frozen beauty and bare limbs blowing
the snow higher than my hammock lies
and i knew--
i would wish
that i had stopped tonight


(for ann~and her teaching me to see the gifts all around me and live fully in each moment)

Joy

"But the secret to JOY is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is."  ~Ann Voskamp

Continue searching for Him, in the pain, in the loss, in the mess. 
He is there, no matter our doubts, our fears, our blindness. 
He is. 
When we seek Him, we will find Him and find the joy He gives, right in the middle of it all.

Use vs. Value

I read the devotion the other morning in My Utmost for His Highest and my mind keeps going back to a certain thought from it.

"We should quit asking ourselves, 'Am I of any use?'
and accept the truth that we are really not of much use to Him.
The issue is never of being of use, but of being of value to God Himself.
Once we are totally surrendered to God, He will work through us all the time."

How many of us get our feelings of worth from doing? I feel the day has been a success if I can mark off all the things off of my To Do List.

How often does that happen? I mean really. I put so much on that thing that I'll be dead before I'm done! You, too?

So does that mean I am not successful/useful, and if I am not successful am I a failure and therefore worthless? Ah, the endless American striving! The finding of our identity by what we do: I am (was) a teacher. A title, an accomplishment, something we can understand and even value. It's often the first question we ask of a new acquaintance. So, what do you do?

But, what if we would could just totally stop. Not just for our own selves, but for each person with whom we come in contact. Stop and see the VALUE of the person as One He Loves, not for What They Do. What a freeing thought! He does the needed work through us anyway.

*******

On a totally different note, let's talk goats. (See, told you it was different.) I want some, and now is the time of year to start looking and buying. I want them mainly for milk. (Not of course, simply for what they do, smile here in light of the last few paragraphs, but come on, it's a goat.) I like what I've read about Nubians. It is, I am sure, influenced by how darn cute they are as well. Just being honest here.

Most of our neighbors have goats and use (!) them for a variety of purposes: milk, meat, pack animals, lawn mowers, etc. For those of you lovely ladies (and maybe one of the two guys that read this blog) who have goats--please share. What kind do you have? What are the pros and cons of the different breeds you are familiar with? What should I know before I start this? I've read several books, but I want to hear what you think!

Hello Friends

My, but it has been a busy week!

We had family in town and had such a wonderful time with them all. The boys got to play with their cousins and I even got some special time with just my sister. (Thanks, Mom!)

I also got to have two friends over for visits in between all the family time. One is a dear friend from high school that I had not seen since part way through college. The other friend and I used to teach kindergarten together before I had Pumpkin. She brought a former student from that year with her. Hard to believe those little kindergartners are now heading into the fifth grade.

In the midst of it all, I've had computer issues going on. The set up I have now works fine, but isn't comfortable to use at all. So, until it can all be fixed next week, I'll probably be off the computer most of the time. I am also unable to upload pictures until then which is a real bummer.

I just wanted to check in and say hello to everyone. Hope your summer is as delightful as mine!

I have had so much fun this last week, but I am also glad to have life return to our slower pace this week. I'm hoping to do more canning and work on things inside around the house as the schedule is so much lighter.

I was able to put up Red Currant Jam this week from the five pounds of currants we picked at the farm. This week I'm hoping to pick cucumbers for pickles. We've only one jar unopened from last year left, and we've been rationing them. I plan to do more this year. My guys all love pickled things!

Have a blessed week.

Still Here

I'm still here. Just don't have much to say. We've still not heard anything.

But there are summer berries and chubby hands that love to grab them.

Life is good.

I've been reading more than writing and trying to just enjoy the every day wonderful moments of life. And the berries.

Life Continues

It's hard to know how to begin the next post. I wrote the last post after it was confirmed that our baby was already gone, just not born. It took a few days for everything to come to pass. To put it nicely, it was easier and faster to birth Dumpling. Sweetheart stayed home to take care of all of us last week which was greatly appreciated. Mom brought over some meals which we thoroughly enjoyed. I tried to just do what I could each day which was mostly sleep, especially after being up most of two nights in a row.

We had a son. We named him James Edward. Couldn't you just see a little Jimmy chasing his brothers? He was little, so little, but perfect looking. We'll not know this side of heaven why this all went the way it did. And that side of heaven, I probably won't care.

Last Friday was our tenth Anniversary. Not the best week for a celebration. We just got through the day and that's okay. Due to everyone schedules we had already planned to go away overnight in August. We were disappointed at the time that it had to be that way, but now we're thankful. Isn't it wonderful how things do turn out for the better? I am looking forward to relaxing here with Sweetheart in a few weeks.

I wanted to thank you all for your sweet comments and prayers. Your continued prayers are greatly appreciated. I am planning on making a little memory book for James to include the cards we've received and to write our own thoughts in. I am also planning to print out the comments from the last post and include them in the book.

I've been thinking about the best way to let people know what happened. Outside of the blog and a few phone calls, I've not done anything. I need to though, as yesterday I got a call from an old friend back home who had heard I was pregnant a few weeks ago and wanted to call and congratulate us. Kinda awkward for both of us. Plus, I'm not up for calling and rehashing things. So I am thinking of sending an email out. I just can't figure out how to word it all. Suggestions are greatly appreciated. I know that others of you have experienced this. What did you do?

Coming back here to write at all has been hard. I've thought about just deleting the blog, or just posting that I'm done, but I can't. I started this blog during a difficult time as an outlet and a way to have contact with the outside world during a time when I was housebound for a few weeks. Through this blog I've made friends across the country and friends that I see now here in town. I have been greatly blessed.

It seems hard to just go on and write like I did before though. Life hasn't stopped for the rest of us, nor should it. I hate the idea of just prattling on pretending that nothing happened. And yet, each day passes. I still have thoughts to write, pictures to take, boys to care for, tea to brew, books to read, lessons to learn, bread to bake, and a life to lead. We'll just see how it goes. I'll just be taking each day as it comes.

The Gentle Joys of Summer

Our rose bushes are simply bursting with blossoms. These are my particular favorites. It is called, I believe, an Elizabeth Rose. Their scent isn't as strong as some of the others, but the color is extraordinary.

I learned a few years ago to wait to prune back the roses until spring, not in the fall as they die back even more than is cut. It has made an incredible difference in the size of the bushes these last two years. I am keeping our home, and several others, filled with roses. It's so wonderful!

I love having a garden. Some years have been more successful than others. We have a lot of weeds this year, but our herbs and veggies are going strong. Now, to just get to gather some strawberries before the birds do!

I've been livening up our meals with little touches from the garden already. I made up a quick batch of pesto with the basil and a few other things I had on hand substituting raw cashews for the pine nuts as I did not want to take the time to peel all the pine nuts. It's so good spread on fresh bread and adding a touch of cream cheese and fresh tomatoes makes it truly delightful.

Speaking of cream cheese, I love mixing it with just fresh chives, dill, and thyme and serving it on crackers or bread. Even Pumpkin loves it! It's such a lighter and delicious version of something like a Boursin cheese. It tastes so wonderfully fresh.

Dinner tonight will be Greek Chicken, if I get on the ball and get that pita bread rising. I love to serve it with Tajiki and have fresh dill and cucumbers just waiting to be mixed into the plain yogurt. Sprinkled with a bit of feta for some zing-yum! It helps that I grilled a ton of chicken and other meat the other night all at once so that I have meat ready to go in the fridge and freezer.

Boy, I seem to be really focused on food right now! Must be from skipping eating most of yesterday. I seemed to have caught a 24 hour buggy thing, but am feeling great now.

It's been a bit of a roller coaster month for us. It started off with me dashing off to see my Dad when he had his pacemaker installed, to a scare with Pumpkin last week. The poor little guy fell while we were at a friend's house. We spent the afternoon at the doctor's where the x-rays turned out fine. Pumpkin was in a splint for a few days, and refused to walk for a few more, but is now running around just fine. Thank you, Lord! The stress of it all about did this Mommy and Daddy in.

Now, I'm bouncing back from not feeling well and trying to get ready for a visit from my Dad and Stepmom this weekend. They just decided on Monday to come on up. They haven't seen the boys since Christmas, so we are excited to have them coming. Now, to just try and get done all the things I'd like to have done before they arrive. (Yes, Carey and Mom, I know...I know. You really don't need to say anything.)

We are having such a fun time around here, though, in between little jobs to do. The boys are learning to play together so well. It's not without its tears, but is such a joy to see. They really do love one another. Well, I hear little voices up from naps, so I'll sign off now. Hope you are having a lovely week as well.

Evening Break

The boys are in bed. I'd say sleeping, but I know that Pumpkin is still up there talking and singing to himself. He's taken to making up his own songs now. It is hilarious.

Dumpling is out, luckily, as last night was a rough night for him. I think more teeth are on the way as he had such a hard time settling down, even after I'd done all I could to remove the pain. He and I sat and rocked for awhile. He snuggled in, relaxing against me, finally able to drift off. Typically, he falls right to sleep and you don't hear another peep out of him for about eleven hours, so when he's not falling right to sleep, you know something isn't quite right with him. Lots of kisses and more milk usually does the trick. He is the little cuddle bug of the family.

It's been a busy week here at home for us. I had a friend over Monday morning that I know through Mops. She and her family are headed off to China next month for two years. I must admit that at times I wish we were going, too. Other times, I'm quite content to stay right here.

On Tuesday, Janna and her two kids spent a few hours with us. Her daughter and Pumpkin are just two weeks apart. She was here just a few minutes before he leaned over and kissed her. Older women and all that, I guess. Janna got a cute picture of them holding hands later, but all my pictures were too blurry to post. (That happens a lot around here, hence all the flower pictures lately--the boys move too fast!)

It was so nice to visit with both gals. This was the first time I've just spent time alone with Tanya instead of with a group of us ladies. That's too bad as we had such a nice visit. Hopefully, it won't be the last, but I know she has a lot to do as they get ready to move.

Talking with Janna, you wouldn't know it was our first time hanging out together. It was so relaxed and fun just getting to know one another and watching the children play. She is also so sweet and simply showered me with gifts for myself and the new baby, including a nursing cover and burp cloth she made, a vintage dress I've already hung in the nursery, and some specially pampering things for me to enjoy. I was so surprised! She's very talented and kind.

We even discovered quite a few mutual acquaintances we have as her husband works for and they attend the church that has the elementary school I used to work at. Um, did that make sense? Anyway, we are even both planning on attending at least one of the graduation parties I've been invited to next weekend, so hopefully we'll get to see each other again.

So far, I've been invited to three parties for the some of the kids I had in fifth grade that are graduating from the high school next week. Two are open houses sponsored by groups of students and their families, so I am hoping to get to see a bunch of the kids and families that I loved so much. I was debating on what to do for gifts as I'd like to do something for the kids that have invited me to the parties, but I don't want to leave anyone out. There are probably close to 20 of them that were in my class that have continued through the Faith schools until graduation. That could really add up!

Luckily, while I was out with my Mom celebrating our Mothers Day a week late, I mentioned it to her. While we were shopping together we found some adorable sets of mini photo albums. I'm planning on writing personal notes and tucking them into the albums and giving those as gifts. The price was right and I know they'll all have lots of pictures from graduation acitivities to fill them with. However, I am still at a loss for the boys. There are a couple of them I need to figure out something for. Especially two of them as we have kept in much closer contact as families over the years than some of the others. Suggestions are welcome!!

Yesterday and today have been spent quietly here at home. Doing laundry, making baby food, making granola, working on the garden and just doing other chores have filled up the days and evenings. Tomorrow will be spent here as well, baking bread, cleaning, and working on some gift projects.

I also need to just buckle down and start cutting the fabric for the porch cushions. Oh, how that evil perfectionism rears its head when we least expect it! Just now, the pictures in my mind of the cushions are perfect---absolutely lovely. I fear reality though. Will I mess them up? Make them wrong? Give up in agony and despair? Drive my family nuts?!!?! Break the sewing machine? Dumb, I know. But I look at the fabric and freeze. Joanne, Janna---help! Just kidding. I do think (sometimes) that I can do it. I just need to try. Besides, they are just cushions and the world will continue turning whether I fail at making cushions, or not. The buds on the roses starting appearing just yesterday so I'd better get a move on!

BTW--For those of you watching the weather reports about Colorado the tornados (10?) passed by us landing north and northeast this afternoon. We had rain and a bit of wind, but that was all. Thank You, Lord! Clueless me, I didn't even know what was going on until Sweetheart called.

I had so many other, more reflective thoughts, I wanted to share with you all, but somehow they've gotten lost in the midst of my ramblings. Oh, how I miss my brain. If you see it, send it back please.

Odd Side Note---Do any of you purchase things on-line? I'm considering offering some of my favorite teas for sale. Sweetheart has been looking into it all for me. What's your opinion? I'm certainly not looking to turn this blog into a business, or fill it up with ads, etc. There would probably just be a link to a secure storefront and maybe a few pictures. I just have found some wonderful teas that I'd love to share that might be a bit hard to get on your own. Let me know what you think.

quiet morning

sitting on the back step
enjoying the sweet tartness of the pineapple
thinking
listening
praying without words
the cold seeping through me
quickly evaporating the warmth

listening
ignoring

trying to focus on the sounds of God
ignoring the sounds of mans' machines

hearing, not just the sounds of the birds
calling to one another,
but being close enough and quiet enough to
hear their wings as they beat the morning sky

it is a gray morning, cold
the breeze is more than brisk as i sit
wearing clothes still damp from exercise
stretching
breathing
still breathing

the planes pass
the train glides on
the trucks drive on

i stand
the robin scolds me for
entering his garden
i smile
noting the promises of green
poking their way up through the soil

trying to ignore the time
trying to ignore the chill
absorbing the cold
knowing i am here
fully here

my mind is tugging
pulling at the threads of a thousand thoughts
life unravels

feeling the disarray
not scared
looking at the strings
one by one
the knots
the tangles

at peace
knowing He will
untangle
cut
weave my life into a tapestry of praise

i pause and thank Him for these things

it is time to go back in
pour my coffee
be with my boys
smile His love

"in His presence is fullness of joy"

Hope

I love this tree. I've passed it on many drives from Denver to Durango.

It appears as though it was hit by lightening and though much of it died, it was not entirely killed.

Out of the dead growth appears new life.

Life that rises up and proclaims, "I am still here, standing tall!".

May we each approach our lives as this tree, though wounded, growing and providing shelter for those who may come across our path.

Hello

Life is good. I good eight hours of uninterrupted sleep for the first time in probably (?11?) months and awoke before anyone else. I peeked out the window to see a world lightly frosted with snow. It's so pretty. Even prettier to me as I don't have to try to drive in it. I love working from home.

Poor Sweetheart; he left early to allow for a longer commute, but called to say he was going to end up late as they've closed the highway a mile north of us. It must be a bad wreck as there is not enough snow to warrant closing for that.

I've been getting ready for tomorrow this week. I briefly looked at my Thanksgiving Plan from last year to get my stuffing recipe that I couldn't find and realized I was a lot more organized last year. No bread cornucopias this year! I only had Pumpkin last year and he was still napping twice a day.

Yesterday though was very productive. I baked five loaves of bread so that I'd have enough for dinner last night, tomorrow's dinner, as well as for the stuffing. I cooked my centerpiece (a pie pumpkin from the farm up the road) and made one pumpkin pie for Sweetheart to take to work today. I've got the other disk of pie crust and the filling for our pie to put together today or tomorrow. I made dinner for last night and tonight using the crockpot and did a lot of dishes.

Today, I'll assemble the stuffing, the Sweet Potato Souffle, the cranberry relish and prep the asparagus. We'll see about the pie, as it will just depend on Pumpkin and Dumpling.

I am able to actually sit down for a moment, as Dumpling is napping and Pumpkin is having some...alone time. He's almost two and has decided to hit when not getting his way. *sigh* The time-outs seem to be helping as this is the first one he's had in a week, I think. He was in there once or twice a day for a few weeks there. Time to go get him and have our post-time-out chat. Then--it's off to the kitchen!

Here's Dumpling in the darling outfit Kelli sent to him. Thanks again, Kelli!

Here's Pumpkin looking sooo grown up and not in time-out. :)

Constancy

I was struck by the message on this sign we saw on our trip to the Falls last weekend. Few places on Earth have been open nightly for over 100 years. Imagine. Every night. I've struggled to make dinner ever night of the week since I've been at home these last two years! In fact, the lovely people at Chick-fila were our chefs this evening.

The plan was for Chicken Noodle Soup. I baked the chicken last night and boiled it off for hours. I planned to skim the broth and add all the veggies this afternoon.

What wasn't in the plan was a baby who cried for the better part of three hours. Poor little Dumpling. He was just inconsolable. (Poor Pumpkin and Mommy who had to listen to it!) I've just gotten Dumpling off to sleep. I'm taking a few minutes to blog right outside his room on the chance that he will awaken again.

Back to the point of this post. Open nightly for over 100 years is quite an accomplishment. I can't think of anything I've done nightly for 35 years, except breathe. Can you? I haven't even slept nightly, and that's not to be blamed on the kids. I remember all-nighters in college, etc.

I wish I could say even that I've prayed nightly for 35 years. But I can't. I remember learning to pray as a child. I only remember praying at my grandparents' houses. It was a combination of "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" (both the standard prayer and the one including Brother Jake's Peanuts), "Hail Mary", "God Bless Everything I Can Think of to Mention", and "The Animal Fair" which is actually a poem not a prayer, but for some reason my Grandpa always recited that one along with the peanut prayer. I never did catch all the words to "Hail Mary", but I can still remember "The Animal Fair". I think I've digressed again. Sigh.

Could I say I've prayed nightly for even the last five years? I would like to, but I know I've been asleep too quick too often. We are told to pray without ceasing in Scripture and I do pray throughout my days and often nights. Different things come to my mind at different times that turn me to prayer. Sometimes I awaken and know that I'm awakened to pray. It maybe for a loved one, but sometimes it's even been for people I've never even met, usually for Christians in China that I've read about from Voice of the Martyrs.

My desire is to pray more. Not just fleeting snippets here and there, but more concentrated and focused prayer. My sweet sister gave me a Prayer Journal when she came to visit last month. I've enjoyed using that, but need to put it someplace where I'll read it throughout the day.

So many of my prayers these days are so myopic. "Lord, help this child to stop crying!" is a common one. "Lord, help me and guide me in this situation. What should I do?" is another. I want to remember, though, to pray for all the needs that are so much greater than my little life.

If you think about it, pray for me in this area. I desire a more disciplined prayer life and time of prayer. Some of it's that need for some sense of routine and control in my life which is sorely lacking these days. I pray that it's with a sincere heart to connect to Him and not just a need to feel in control on my part.

This has turned out to be a rather disjointed post on my part. Sorry. It's the best I could do right now though. Is it possible that listening to crying really destroys brain cells, or is that just my imagination?

Here's some additional pictures I took last weekend.

The Lake of Shining Waters

The water was so blue, as was the sky, that it made the snow on the distant mountains seem to pop.

Baby Bear~Just a part of all the wildlife in the mountains!

I'm Still Here

Blogging has been quite sparse since the arrival of Dumpling. I find that we I actually have a free, quiet moment it's usually used trying to sleep, clean, or exercise. All the usual times I used to write are now gone.

It's hard to adjust to having no routine at all for me. I like routine. A lot. Without routines I feel out of sorts and somewhat lost. I also discover that I forget to do a lot of things. Sigh.

I think the only type of routine thing I've done lately is to plan our dinner menu for the week. Now that I'm back to doing all the cooking again it helps. I've got two or three emergency meals left in the freezer from the huge cooking day I did before Dumpling arrived, but I'm trying to save those for when I am completely desperate. Now, to readjust the regular cleaning schedule to accommodate our new life.

Well, this will be a short post as Dumpling is in there making noise. It's 3:30 in the morning. I am up from having nursed him. I was hoping he'd go right back to sleep. Guess he needs some rocking.

Will post again as able, hopefully with something more interesting to say...

Time

"Empty time is not a vacuum to be filled.

It is the thing that enables

the other things on your mind

to be creatively rearranged,

like the empty square

in the 4x4 puzzle

which make it possible to move

the other 15 pieces around."
~Harvard Dean, Harry Lewis

I copied this quote into my journal a few months ago. Isn't it true? I find I need time to be able to be creative, to see things differently, to truly live life.

I spent so many years with every waking moment filled. I was busy and I accomplished a lot. I was very productive. But I wasn't that happy. I wouldn't have had time to write anything in a journal!

Now, life has changed. I am no longer a classroom teacher working a ridiculous number of hours every week. I'm not even on any committees, or in charge of anything, but our home and the kiddos. While I maybe really busy taking care of the boys at different times of the day (and night), our schedule is such that many days we don't even leave the house. I love that.

The six week period of staying home everyday last Autumn while Pumpkin was in his cast really changed a lot of the way I look at life. I enjoy going out and am not a recluse by any stretch, but I've come to appreciate my home and my life more.

I enjoy the quiet moments during naps and after bedtimes to just read, write, blog, or work on my collages and scrapbooks and cards. I don't feel a need to be busy. That's not to say that I don't enjoy spending an evening with Sweetheart out, or with friends, I do. But I could never go back to what life was like before and still be happy and sane.

Those little 4x4 puzzles Harry was talking about were always so hard for me to solve. I'd constantly try to just shove the pieces around and try to force them into the pattern. I usually wouldn't bother to slow down, look at the big picture, and plan how to make it work. I'd get so frustrated trying to just move the pieces without thinking of the next step that I'd rarely ever solve the puzzle, but would just give up and toss it down.

My life was like that, too. I'd be so overwhelmed and frustrated trying to balance everything I was doing, that I'd finally give up; instead of slowing down and trying to get perspective and realizing that the only way to solve the puzzle would be to have more space in my life. The only way that space would appear would be by my saying, "No," to some of the things I was trying to do. Now, the things I was doing were all good things, but I've since learned that I don't need to be the one doing them all.

One of the greatest myths I believed for a long time was that I was the only one who could do something. It was often that I was the only one willing to do that thing. Do you want to know what I learned? If I was the only one willing to do something, it must not really be that important. If it was truly important, then someone else could and would step up and do it. It didn't need to be all up to me to do.

This was hardest to accept on things that I thought I "should" do, especially when it came to my students. I didn't want to disappoint my students. Or, it might be a really good event to plan for school, or even church. There are so many good things I could do! Now, though, I'd rather save up my energy and do fewer things better.

I remember telling myself, and Sweetheart, that things would settle down after a particular event would be over. Hah. Maybe for a day it would be better, but then I'd jump into the next thing immediately. Come on, I'd start planning the next school year on the second day of summer. Seriously.

Wow. I was just planning to post the quote, and not pour my heart out. These are ideas that have been floating around in my mind for awhile. I guess they finally needed to come out. Can I say, I'm amazed that I've had the time to actually write all this in one sitting? Both boys are still snoozing. What a blessed gift in the middle of the day!

Note--Dumpling had his one month check today. He's gained two pounds and grown 1 3/4 inches since his arrival last month. Guess all those feedings have paid off! It also explains why I'm having trouble fitting him into his clothes.

Our pediatrician is the greatest. I taught one of his boys 8 years ago. Now he's watching my sons grow up. He was so reassuring about all my mommy concerns. We consider him such a great part of the boys' lives.

Dumpling Smiling at His Aunt Yesterday

Guess the post I was planning to do today on "Things This New Mommy Loves" will have to be done another day. I'll also be including the Scriptures I wrote out on cards to read during labor. They were really helpful to me, maybe they can encourage someone else as well.

Autumn Memories

Three years ago I had the privilege of attending an Artists' Retreat which featured Margaret Becker both as a musician and as the main speaker. The Retreat was sponsored by a church in Colorado Springs, so I knew no one there.

It was an interesting time. I enjoyed the quiet drive from our home to Buena Vista, Colorado stopping whenver I wished to take pictures of the changing leaves, or just to meander off the main highway.

It had been years since I had traveled completely alone. Though I missed Sweetheart tremendously, this weekend had been a special gift from him to me. I had mentioned hearing about the Retreat in passing and he researched it and signed me up without my knowing.

It was a time of searching for me. I knew I wanted to leave teaching, but didn't know what I should do instead. The last few years of teaching had been steadily draining me. I loved the act of teaching and the excitement in a child's face as they learned something new, but I was bogged down in all the paperwork, planning, and endless meetings that fill a teacher's life.

I longed to express my creativity, and while I was often able to do that in the classroom, I needed more. I needed balance and an outlet for just me. So off to the Retreat I went.

It was a beautiful autumn weekend in Colorado. The air crisp, the light and leaves golden, and the sky an amazing morning glory blue. I was alone. I remember stopping for lunch at a funky coffeehouse where I sat eating a bowl of soup and grading papers. Sad, I know. I had taken a batch of papers to work on even though I'd taken the day off of school I was still working. I decided to sit there and finish them all before I arrived at the Retreat so that they wouldn't be hanging over my head all weekend.

When I arrived at where the Retreat was held, I was warmly wlecomed and shown to my room that I'd be sharing for the weekend with another female. As I walked around I met others who were there for the Retreat as well. I remember one of them asking what my medium was. It took a moment to figure out what she was talking about. She said hers was calligraphy. Having done calligraphy myself since the fifth grade, I mentioned that I had done it as well. I confessed to really not knowing what my medium was, but that I was there to possibly discover it. Sweetheart had signed me up for a ceramics session and a writing session, as he is convinced I should write more. I mentioned the writing and expressed my interest in hearing Margaret Becker sing and speak.

I felt so stupid and was tempted to hop back in the car and head home. Here I was surrounded by people who had various claims to art. All I had was a bunch of vague inclinations and a longing to discover how God wanted me to use my gifts. I am glad I stayed. There were moments of doubt throughout the weekend as I felt that I did not measure up to some of the others' talents. And yet, there was a freeing as I discovered that indeed, He had gifted me in many ways. I was not limited by one medium of expression, but felt free to embrace all my interests from writing, sculpture, photography and more.

I spent a lot of time listening; listening to the speakers, the other attendees, and listening to my heart. I felt it a time of healing and discovering, a time to embrace who He had created me to be; not to be proud, or boastful, but to rejoice in the fact that He had given me many gifts. I even allowed that He had made me an artist in the classroom, not in drawing necessarily, but in the drawing out of creativity of each child under my care, as I in turn developed my own creativity and decided it was important enough to make time for.

Margaret Becker was amazing. I've loved her music and her writing for years. I sat literally at her feet during one of the concert times and while she spoke in the sessions as well. I sat absorbing her words, the words He had given her. Spoken with her startling New York accent, I heard Him speak to my soul. As she simply played her guitar and sang, I soaked in the sounds of love and grace; mercy and peace. And I learned to spread my wings as well.



***

While various songs of Margaret's have pierced my heart over the years, there were two songs that weekend that were knew to me and what lead me back to that time whenever I hear them again. Here is one of the song's lyrics.

"Feel It All"

by Margaret Becker and Robbie Nevill

I think I heard your voice

floating on the evening wind

And felt you near again

in the touch of a friend

This is life as it should be

this is life complete

Cracking the surface of every breath

and finding you there

In the center of it

In the beauty of the morning

in the rhythm of the rain

In the symphony of laughter

as it plays across a face

In the colors of creation

painting sunsets in the fall

I want to feel it all

Been living so close to the skin

trying to feel everything

I've been digging down so deep

looking for eternal things

Oh I prayed a prayer to be wise

to see it all with your eyes

For ears to hear

and a heart to seek

and the gift to find

All the treasure you leave

In the beauty of the morning
in the rhythm of the rain
In the symphony of laughter
as it plays across a face
In the colors of creation
painitng sunsets in the fall
I want to feel it all

Oh and what is life

if not to see your spirit passing by

And what is love

if not to leave the imprint of you touch

I think I see it...

In the beauty of the morning
in the rhythm of the rain
In the symphony of laughter
as it plays across a face
In the colors of creation
painitng sunsets in the fall
I want to feel it all

In the fury of the ocean

on a stormy winter's day

In the choir of the angels as they dance upon the waves

In the colors of creation painting sunsets in the fall

I want to feel it all

And what is life

if not to see your spirit passing by

And what is love

if not to leave the imprint of your touch

Good Morning All!

We had such a lovely sunrise this morning! I think the sunrises in Autumn are especially vibrant here in Colorado. The baby (Dumpling?) only woke up at around 12, 3:30 and 6, so I feel rested.

Today is the first regular Mops meeting of the year. I missed the Open House meeting two weeks ago, as that was the baby's birthday and I was a little bit busy that morning! I am looking forward to going. I just thought I'd pop in before I go get ready.

Everyone else is still asleep, but I am enjoying these quiet moments. I have a great view to the east from my desk, if I ignore all the houses, and can enjoy watching the sunrise from here. I love how the light changes in the Fall, don't you? We've had such a golden cast to the light that even though the leaves are not changing yet one can tell that Autumn is here. (Well, that and those yummy Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks help, too!)

Thank you, dear ladies, for your prayers, kind thoughts, and sweet comments. I am truly blessed by you all. Have a lovely day!

Adjusting

Blogging is sporadic right now, I know. The baby's schedule (??!) is such that I'm not sure when I'll have two minutes together and when I do, I try to sleep. Apparently, my sleeping is his signal to wake up and cry. *sigh* Sleep deprivation and adjusting hormones are a really cruel combination, aren't they?

Also, working at my desk is still pretty uncomfortable these days. I'm thinking of trying to set up the laptop in our room, but there's no internet in there so I'm not sure it would help. (I already have several posts written on the laptop from probably two months ago that I've yet to get on my regular computer and post!)

I'm sure that we'll get more on track as time goes on. Being out of my routine is challenging for me. I really like knowing what to expect and being able to plan. Not too possible right now, and I'm probably trying to rush the whole idea anyway.

Why is it so hard for me to go with the flow? Sweetheart is taking such great care of us, but I really want to be up and helping more. I know I should just be enjoying this time, as it ends on Monday, but it is so hard for me to do. I like being the one to take care of everyone else, not to be waited on. I am so grateful that he has been able to be home to help.

I confess to being scared of what happens when it's all up to me to care for both of the boys by myself. How do you care for both of them at once when one is so on the go and the other just wants to eat (and cry) all day and night? I know, all you other mommies out there have done it. I am really open to your ideas and suggestions.

Well, I'll sign off now and try to lay down for a few minutes while I can. Have a blessed day!

Pictures

Here we are the night the baby was born.

Breakfast

Here was my breakfast tray Sweetheart brought me the other morning while I was taking care of the baby. Isn't he wonderful?

We then had some fun with the rose and the camera.

Roses and Toeses

Toes

We're doing well here. We've been busy juggling the needs of both little boys this week with hardly an extra moment. Sweetheart has been so wonderful. He's been taking care of Pumpkin while I take care of the baby, as well as doing work for his job at night. So much for vacation time! Tonight he's doing laundry and taking care of stuff around the house.

My Dad and Stepmom just got in town and will be by tomorrow to meet the baby. Here's the baby in the cradle my Dad made.

My Mom has been so helpful as well taking care of Sweetheart and running errands for us all.

We went to the pediatrician's today for the baby's one week check. He passed with flying colors! Dr. B. said he looked perfect and seemed really healthy. He's been gaining weight from the beginning and we can see him plumping up already.

I am a serious boy.

Abner says hell0 in his own special way.

Pumpkin LOVES his little brother! He is constantly giving him hugs and kisses completely on his own. In the van today on the way to the doctor he kept resting his hand on the baby and patting him as they sat next to each other. It was so sweet! He brings him toys as well. It's really cute. We pray that they will grow in love for one another throughout their lives.

The boys meet for the first time.

Just some answers to questions people have left---The boys are 21 months apart. The baby does NOT have red hair. It's currently brown, like his Daddy, but has a lot of blonde underneath, like me. It's hard to tell who he will look like. He bears a strong resemblance to Pumpkin's early pictures, sans red hair, but his features are not as striking similiar to other family members as Pumpkin was. Now, he needs a blog name. Apple Dumpling, or Dumpling has been suggested. Sweetheart would call him Wookie, but that's his multi-purpose nickname for everything, including the dog, so...I'd rather not. I'm open for ideas! Feel free to comment!

Just so you don't think everything is always peaceful around here...