It is hard to believe we have been here for about a year. What can I say? I haven't written mostly because this anniversary is a big deal in my life, but probably no one else's. I have written a lot about what is going on around here, but there is also a lot left unsaid.
I know that I often write about the positive things and not the negatives. This drives certain people who know me nuts. But still, this is a blog. It isn't a confessional. I fight myself daily on the need to focus on the good, not the bad. To focus and write about more of the challenges would make my day to day life even harder, I think.
I have been colder, sicker, lonelier and sadder this year for more than probably any other year I can remember. I have had more struggles and disappointments and challenges that I would have thought possible for something as simple as a move. But this has been no ordinary move.
I am tired of feeling stupid and that all that I know and am good at just don't really matter here. I am tired of being laughed at by people who have lived this life for so long that they don't remember any other way, or have simply never lived any other way. I am tired of the endless chores, the projects that are never finished, that nothing is easy here, that fixing one thing usually results in the need to fix ten other things. I am tired of bugs, cow poop landing on me, not knowing what to do in all of these totally new circumstances. I miss my family, my friends, my stores, and other conveniences. I miss a lot of things.
But......
I have learned a lot. Boy, have I ever! Think about it all. Really.
I also have just over five beautiful acres to wander and dream about. I have apple trees, plum and pear trees, and a cherry tree that I hope to get to have cherries from this year. I have plenty of room to plant anything I want.
I have chickens and a cow. A cow, people. Who would have believed it? Poor cow.
I have a little pond, a quiet grove of trees to hide in, and a barn. Empty pastures are all that separate us from National Forest land. I have fresh air to breathe (though cold) and good, clean water to drink.
There is so much work to do to get to do all the things we want to do (!) but we have done a lot already. I keep trying to remind myself that this is just a period of time and that it will get better and projects will get done. I don't want to waste my writing time whining, especially since I am already too good at it.
This isn't a perfect life, or an easy life. It is hard when people have told me they think it all sounds so perfect. Hah. It is far from it.
I am not sure where the balance lies. I have never wanted to present an image like I see on too many blogs of everything picture perfect. Neither do I read those that simply complain all the time.
Yes, I go quiet usually when things are hardest simply because that's what I do. I am a rather private person and take things very personally. Very. I know this about me. It is simply a part of who I am. I don't want to spew anger and negativity all over everyone's screens. I don't want to write what I might later regret. I don't want my kids to look back on this some day and wish I could change my words.
Also, my not writing coincides with the fact that when things are really hard, I simply don't have the time to write! I have too much work to do to sit and blog. I can't be sitting here in front of the screen when my family needs me. Sometimes, I am simply having trouble with my computer as rural internet access can leave a lot to be desired. These last several weeks service has been very spotty and is a real reason I haven't written much.
I don't know. I don't have all the answers. I am simply trying to live this life the best I can.
And I am still looking for friends here. *sigh* Let me know if you are interested in the position. ;)
Linking up to Barn Hop #48. Go visit and see what everyone else is up to!
12 comments:
i really appreciate your honesty in this post, Kimberly. i'm sure it wasn't easy. i remember, a number of years ago, when i was learning a new job at our local hospital. After my first few days of instruction i would come home and tell my family ~ i just want to do the dishes or laundry or something that i already know how to do! Learning so many new things at once is very taxing but can also be exhilarating! You have grown by leaps and bounds over the past year! Hang in there! and God bless you!!
I kind of figured that might be the case, and have been thinking of you often. You don't (to me anyway) paint a picture perfect life, but you do paint a picture of a style of life I still desperately want. The frustrating realities, but the simple joys and successes. The hard work of a husband and wife, side by side building a better (I didn't say easier!) life for themselves and their children, teaching them the value of a strong and loving marriage, and how to work and reliance on God, it is very inspiring.
Being stripped bare of what is familiar and comfortable, and reliable is so stretching and painful sometimes, but the rewards will be tenfold, you CAN do all things through Christ who will strengthen you- even put up with illmannered locals ; )
Love and hugs to you Kimberly,
Bonnie
Oh Kimberly I understand you totally. I have and still do feel the same way. I am sure I could share more bad stories about the farming life but I choose not too. As you know I am writing my Journey now , my children are grown and encourage me.
I am very truthful about the events that have happened in my farming journey yet I still hold back some things. I am not sure if I am afraid to offend people or am truly not over the sadness or the horror of the whole ordeal.
find my writing has heed many of the wounds I have buried in this life. I am certainly glad I am getting them out.
In saying this I just want to let you know you can make it through more than you know and looking back and seeing what we were fighting for I know it was worth it. Take care and be happy. You are not alone. Good post B
Kim,
I have so enjoyed you blog and I can't say enough how much I support you! You have done a great job. You have made a life change that I will make your children better people. They will be responsible, hard working, and aware people. You were so brave getting the cow. I remember how hard it was for my mom. Don't ever feel stupid. You don't know until you learn from experience. I grew up with all of that and I still call my mom when I don't remember how to do things. That is more often than one would think. You have made a huge life change and you have handled it so well. I wish we were close, because I would live to meet you at the small cafe and have coffee with you. I would love to come over and help you make jelly. You have done a great job Kim. Keep your head up. I can't say enough how proud of you I am.
Dear, dear Kim....what a beautiful post! A real from- the-heart message.
I understand the need to remain positive and look at the plus side and not the negative......but I think it is important to be really honest. Even if it's upsetting to some people.
I know that I have to report 24 good things and that I'm only allowed one complaint....and I try to make it fast. I do find that sometimes I don't post because I feel disingenuous.
I've been asked to speak to a large group of caregivers/doctors etc. I'm really winding up for a good volley......I'm going to try to do it with humor!!
I'll let you know if I survive.
One thing I know honey......I am so proud of you...so proud that you are traveling into space and poop.
What a wild adventure!!
Let the townies have their laughs...they aren't going out into new environments.
PLUS....I'm sure that deep down they admire your gumption!!
Remember that no matter what you were doing at this time....you would never have enough hours in a day to complete any activities.....YOU HAVE THREE LITTLE ONES.
Love you honey.....you are a real pioneer!!
xox
L
Creating a more sustainable life for yourself and your family is definitely not the "easy" way...and there is a huge learning curve. But it seems like you've come a long way already and no one has just learned everything there is to know in one day.
In the 6 years we've been in our farm, we have learned volumes. And just while we were doing all this part time. Sometimes you need a break from the chaos and new projects, though, and you don't have to feel guilty about not blogging. It's your blog and your life. Quality over quantity is where it counts in my book ;)
Just sending love. I appreciate both the honesty of this post, and your desire to filter and to be quiet when you need to. Because once it is out there, it is out there and the chance to edit is lost.
Just love, and a bit of grace to yourself perhaps?
If we lived closer to you, you can bet I would be first in line for the friend position. Alas, I will have to settle for the position of blog friend. I do know how you feel having to learn all of this stuff. 7 years ago, we did the same thing and, even though, we have lived here for 7 years, I still feel like an outsider most of the time. But that is okay. I have my husband, my children and my on line friends :)I will pray for peace to quiet your soul and strength to get you through the hard times. Be well.
Congratulations on "surviving" your first year. I am praying your second year will be much easier and happier :-) May God pour His blessings upon you in 2012!
Oh Kimberly, you are doing such a good job, although it probably doesn't feel like it yet. Homesteading by it's nature appears to consist of constant hard work. Unless you are born into it (more rare than common these days) our modern society has softened us to this type of lifestyle. That's not to say that you'll never adapt :))) it takes time (sometimes years) to totally shift lifestyles. Perhaps you are being a bit hard on yourself? Don't know if this helps but whenever I've found myself in such situations prayer and my books always were/are my comfort. When I don't have much time for reading I try to listen to audio books(several years ago the kids bought me one of those tiny little ipod shuffles for my audio books...about $70 or less)...and I get up early and read a quick chapter, or even just a few pages, each morning after which I find myself thinking about the characters all day while doing work. This is how I slowly finished reading "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy and many other massive tomes. When I felt/feel lonesome and/or long for a sense of community, Jan Karon's Mitford books come to my rescue. I also visit (i.e., reread) them again and again, as I did/do with my childhood friends aka "Little Women", "Little Princess" and the like. :))) The characters comfort and the stories keep my mind active during the day and give me something to look forward to whenever a quiet half
~hour would be gifted to me. In fact, this habit influenced me when writing my own books as I tend to put them into what I call "bites"...aka sub~chapters...to make it easy for busy people to read little bits at a time...more smoothly...but I digress! I also read aloud to the children my favorite books as they got older. I started with "Little House in the Big Woods" (at about four or five you can start an ongoing book with them). That was always fun for me, and we continued that on until they were about ten or eleven...reading a chapter together, aloud, every night. (It's great when they can read to US. :) Anyway, I believe it's important to remind you that you are in my good thoughts and prayers, and that you are never alone. Okay, sorry about the rambling message. I'm off now...to the kitchen! As my dad always says..."endeavor to persevere"! Sending a smile and a hug with this message.
Love,
Tracey
x0x
I would be a friend if you lived closer, but I am in northern Ca.
I have been a reader since before Dumpling was born but I rarely ever post here-or on any blogs really. I just quietly read, but I'm here. :)
I am lonely also, even though I live in a very nice neighborhood that we moved to a year ago. I have health issues which limit my energy so I stay home mostly-thankfully I am a real homebody at heart so it's mostly fine but sometimes I would like a friend to come visit for a cup of tea. Because of my health I have had to give up many of my dreams-one since childhood was to live a life like yours-chickens, a garden, a small orchard...I do not have the energy for those things and I am almost 51 so...I no longer have the age either. It has been very painful to give up.
I'm afraid I'm not very cheerful today, lol. I just wanted to tell you that I can relate to your loneliness. :)
Joanna
Thank you for the various kind comments, and other comments, on this post. They have all been read.
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