Sunday, January 29, 2012
It is hard to believe we have been here for about a year. What can I say? I haven't written mostly because this anniversary is a big deal in my life, but probably no one else's. I have written a lot about what is going on around here, but there is also a lot left unsaid.
I know that I often write about the positive things and not the negatives. This drives certain people who know me nuts. But still, this is a blog. It isn't a confessional. I fight myself daily on the need to focus on the good, not the bad. To focus and write about more of the challenges would make my day to day life even harder, I think.
I have been colder, sicker, lonelier and sadder this year for more than probably any other year I can remember. I have had more struggles and disappointments and challenges that I would have thought possible for something as simple as a move. But this has been no ordinary move.
I am tired of feeling stupid and that all that I know and am good at just don't really matter here. I am tired of being laughed at by people who have lived this life for so long that they don't remember any other way, or have simply never lived any other way. I am tired of the endless chores, the projects that are never finished, that nothing is easy here, that fixing one thing usually results in the need to fix ten other things. I am tired of bugs, cow poop landing on me, not knowing what to do in all of these totally new circumstances. I miss my family, my friends, my stores, and other conveniences. I miss a lot of things.
I have learned a lot. Boy, have I ever! Think about it all. Really.
I also have just over five beautiful acres to wander and dream about. I have apple trees, plum and pear trees, and a cherry tree that I hope to get to have cherries from this year. I have plenty of room to plant anything I want.
I have chickens and a cow. A cow, people. Who would have believed it? Poor cow.
I have a little pond, a quiet grove of trees to hide in, and a barn. Empty pastures are all that separate us from National Forest land. I have fresh air to breathe (though cold) and good, clean water to drink.
There is so much work to do to get to do all the things we want to do (!) but we have done a lot already. I keep trying to remind myself that this is just a period of time and that it will get better and projects will get done. I don't want to waste my writing time whining, especially since I am already too good at it.
This isn't a perfect life, or an easy life. It is hard when people have told me they think it all sounds so perfect. Hah. It is far from it.
I am not sure where the balance lies. I have never wanted to present an image like I see on too many blogs of everything picture perfect. Neither do I read those that simply complain all the time.
Yes, I go quiet usually when things are hardest simply because that's what I do. I am a rather private person and take things very personally. Very. I know this about me. It is simply a part of who I am. I don't want to spew anger and negativity all over everyone's screens. I don't want to write what I might later regret. I don't want my kids to look back on this some day and wish I could change my words.
Also, my not writing coincides with the fact that when things are really hard, I simply don't have the time to write! I have too much work to do to sit and blog. I can't be sitting here in front of the screen when my family needs me. Sometimes, I am simply having trouble with my computer as rural internet access can leave a lot to be desired. These last several weeks service has been very spotty and is a real reason I haven't written much.
I don't know. I don't have all the answers. I am simply trying to live this life the best I can.
And I am still looking for friends here. *sigh* Let me know if you are interested in the position. ;)
Linking up to Barn Hop #48. Go visit and see what everyone else is up to!