Thursday, November 11, 2010
We played today outside in the snow. Catching flower-shaped snowflakes, the kind you see in the picture books of perfect crystals, yet melting in an instant, landing on gloves, sleeves, and golden leaves from the passing autumn. Throwing wads of snow, little hands not bothering with ball shaped spheres. I laugh and toss more, shaking snow-laden branches on little boy heads. Sweet girl is snuggled in warm inside with Daddy. Finally, a promise of hot chocolate leads us back inside.
Stomping boots, removing wet layers, thinking of how it much stuff I've piled on them to keep them warm. Rubbing rosy cheeks, wiping runny noses, gathering the trail of dripping things, I hear her cry out. Hot chocolate will wait as she needs to be nursed. The boys pile on Daddy with their snugglely blankets and tell him about their adventure outside while we sit next to them. Giggles and cuddles, warm hands and hearts.
Winter is my least favorite season. I would live in an eternal autumn if I could. But, as we are facing the new season I am trying to embrace it as best I can. On this first day of snow I made sure we were out to enjoy it when my first instinct is to instead brew a pot of tea, turn on some beautiful music, light candles and curl up with a book. I'd rather stay warm and cozy. I'd rather stay safe in my cocoon.
This change of seasons is not limited to the weather. We are standing on the brink of life right now. Looking back at what we have lived until now, and dreaming of all that might be. Wanting to embrace the future, to run into it with arms open wide and alternately wanting to just curl up and stay where it feels familiar, even safe. Wishing to take a leap of faith, but only if I could get a glimpse of what that new life would be like in six months, a year. That of course, wouldn't require faith, now would it?
I am not the same woman I was when I began writing in this little space. Those of you who have followed my journey have seen some of the changes. You've been there through the times of rejoicing as well as the times of tears and great mourning. You've sent laughs, and prayers and love. And I am a better person for it all, and for your friendships. I've learned from you and laughed with you as well as praying quiet prayers for you. I hope you have been blessed as well.
You read my words, my rants, my recipes. I've discovered so much about me through this process as well. I've learned that I don't want to live an ordinary life. I want to grow and learn and discover more and more. I have heard my own heart sing. I have learned to create new things, and grow more in my garden than just beauty. I have discovered that my soul is fed through the simple things. I am renewed by creating and learning and working hard. I have learned to slow down my life and do more than just rush through the days. I have learned to truly live.
I no longer want the same things I did even a few years ago. I want to take another step back. To live a life focused even deeper on what really matters: my Lord, my Love, my family. I want to grow in a community of people with whom I can share not just my life, but theirs as well. I want to teach my boys lessons, not just from books, but from the glory of His creation all around us. To see the beauty and uniqueness in a flower, a snowflake, a sunset, a star. I want us all to feel the awesomeness of His power in the world He has created. I dream of a life of open spaces, quiet places, the smell of the dirt, the warmth of the ground beneath my toes, of watching a seed sprout and grow, of a new life born. I want chickens and goats. Truly.
I stand here today, on the edge of a new season. Yes, winter is coming and with it many things I'd rather not face including a literal coldness and darkness. It is more than that though. I am faced with a new season of life. Will I embrace it, or run and hide because it is dark and unknown? I hope not. My heart wants to run to this new season and not hold anything back. To embrace the changes that will come, some desired, some truly scary in the dark moments of my day. But I don't want to fear. The faith that has brought me this far will certainly carry me through. And I have the love of the most wonderful man beside me holding my hand as we take a step of faith together. And of course, I have the love and laughter of my beautiful children who will be with us each step of the way. The road ahead of us is unknown. We cannot see around the next bend. But, what if we never step out? Think of all we would miss.
You see, Sweetheart's job ended last week. We had wondered if it would for some time and then thought it would just change to be more of what we wanted. Instead, it has simply ended. We must pick the pieces and move on, literally. We have many thoughts and dreams and hopes, but no real answers at the moment. Whatever we choose, we choose together and that is a great comfort. The greatest comfort is though, that we are not alone in whatever we chose. He is with us. And though we don't have the answers we want, and I wish I knew more I am confident that He loves us. No matter where we live or what we do for a living.