Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Life Continues


It's hard to know how to begin the next post. I wrote the last post after it was confirmed that our baby was already gone, just not born. It took a few days for everything to come to pass. To put it nicely, it was easier and faster to birth Dumpling. Sweetheart stayed home to take care of all of us last week which was greatly appreciated. Mom brought over some meals which we thoroughly enjoyed. I tried to just do what I could each day which was mostly sleep, especially after being up most of two nights in a row.

We had a son. We named him James Edward. Couldn't you just see a little Jimmy chasing his brothers? He was little, so little, but perfect looking. We'll not know this side of heaven why this all went the way it did. And that side of heaven, I probably won't care.

Last Friday was our tenth Anniversary. Not the best week for a celebration. We just got through the day and that's okay. Due to everyone schedules we had already planned to go away overnight in August. We were disappointed at the time that it had to be that way, but now we're thankful. Isn't it wonderful how things do turn out for the better? I am looking forward to relaxing here with Sweetheart in a few weeks.


I wanted to thank you all for your sweet comments and prayers. Your continued prayers are greatly appreciated. I am planning on making a little memory book for James to include the cards we've received and to write our own thoughts in. I am also planning to print out the comments from the last post and include them in the book.


I've been thinking about the best way to let people know what happened. Outside of the blog and a few phone calls, I've not done anything. I need to though, as yesterday I got a call from an old friend back home who had heard I was pregnant a few weeks ago and wanted to call and congratulate us. Kinda awkward for both of us. Plus, I'm not up for calling and rehashing things. So I am thinking of sending an email out. I just can't figure out how to word it all. Suggestions are greatly appreciated. I know that others of you have experienced this. What did you do?


Coming back here to write at all has been hard. I've thought about just deleting the blog, or just posting that I'm done, but I can't. I started this blog during a difficult time as an outlet and a way to have contact with the outside world during a time when I was housebound for a few weeks. Through this blog I've made friends across the country and friends that I see now here in town. I have been greatly blessed.


It seems hard to just go on and write like I did before though. Life hasn't stopped for the rest of us, nor should it. I hate the idea of just prattling on pretending that nothing happened. And yet, each day passes. I still have thoughts to write, pictures to take, boys to care for, tea to brew, books to read, lessons to learn, bread to bake, and a life to lead. We'll just see how it goes. I'll just be taking each day as it comes.

23 comments:

Brenda@CoffeeTeaBooks said...

I remember twice in my life leaving a hospital and being surprised that life was going on as usual... that the sun was still in the sky and there were other days to come after that.

The first was when I was ten and my father died suddenly of a heart attack.

The second was when we returned home after our baby passed away after a premature birth. His things had been neatly packed away. I can't remember if it was my husband or mother who did that.

Life truly does go on but you must understand you are still in the depths of grief. Man was never meant to say goodbye to a loved one, no matter what the age. We know we will see them again but we were not created to see death so our minds have a hard time understanding that Truth.

Little by little the light will come back in and I'm sure all of us will understand that you are still there, waiting to write as that happens... unable to say much right now.

I will continue to hold you up in prayer, you and your family.

Julieann said...

(((Kinberly)))) You have my prayers!!

Julieann

Susan said...

You can be sure that we don't expect you to act or pretend that nothing has happened and that life "just goes on". It doesn't. Not in the same way, at least.

You take the time you need to not write, not post, stay away. We'll still be here.

Praying for you and wishing I could give you a huge, long hug.

Susan

Schotzy said...

What an ordeal you have endured, but endured it you have. Life does go on and it will forever more be changed as the wheels continue to turn and we never really know where they take us, but with Christ carrying us, we can endure it all. I pray for your peace, your healing from the inside out and just pray that you can really enjoy this special time away!

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say again that I am so sorry, and I do pray for you.

I know we don't know each other at all. I do read your blog and appreciate it.

In Jesus, Susan (now in Delaware)

Thia said...

I really like the name you chose! Susan beat me in saying that we'll still be here for you when you need us. One day at a time, as you said.

Anonymous said...

Please share as often as you need to about your experience. Your true blog friends will support you no matter how long it takes you to grieve. I'm so sorry this happened.
Blessings to you, sweet Kimberly.
j. in ca.

Heartathome said...

Kimberly,
I have been checking daily to see if you were up to writing yet-I've been praying for you and you dh. I know this road you are traveling. We lost our third child at 20 weeks-a tiny, perfect little girl. There is much that I would share about that time, but it's too personal to just throw out here in blogland. If you want to contact me via email, I would share more with you. If you aren't ready for something like that yet, I understand.
As for contacting others, I have to admit that I did very little of that myself. My dh and my mom did most of the contacting others and with the few that were missed well, there were awkward moments but they sometimes cannot be avoided.
I will continue to pray for you-don't try to rush things-it all takes time.
Michelle

Joanne (The Simple Wife) said...

Dearest Kimberly,

You are in my prayers throughout each day. At odd moments you pop into my mind and are lifted up to God for his tender care. I'm so glad to hear how you are doing. My heart aches for your sweet family.

If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask.

Much, much love,

Joanne

Beth said...

How well I remember 16 yrs ago this week. One week, I'm 16 wks pregnant and find out I'm having twins, the next week the ultrasound shows something is dreadfully wrong, the next week i turn 30 and the following day I delivered my babies at home, they were gone before they were here. I turn 46 tomorrow!

I can remember not too long after my babies were born and gone wondering if I would ever have a day go by when I didn't cry. That day came. I don't remember how long it took, but it took a long time. But I can honestly say, not a day goes by that I don't think of my babies. They are still so much a part of my life. My other children know they have 4 siblings they will meet in heaven (I've lost 2 other babies too)

I share this to let you know that your grief is very personal. Don't ever feel that you should or shouldn't be feeling this grief. You feel it as long as you need to, and then you will heal. You will be changed, but you will heal. I promise you that. I will say a special prayer for you this summer. My heart truly breaks for your loss.

Adrienne said...

Dear Kimberly -
I have been praying for you much through these last days. Don't be hard on yourself if you can't come here to share with us or email others. Two years ago my dear son and his wife were where you are now. Their third little boy went to be with Jesus before he was born. We don't understand why God allows us to walk through the dark valley but we do know that He will never leave us or forsake us. He will hold you close. We are here when you want to write and when you need to be silent. Take each moment as it comes. Enjoy those two precious little boys and time with your dear hubby. Brew the tea and savor each sip. Give yourself some time.
~Adrienne~

Miss Sandy said...

Kimberly,

My thoughts and prayer are with you and your family. I think you do what you just did, share from your heart, whatever you need to express. I have to say you are an incredible inspiration, your attitude and outlook during such a difficult time are a tribute and testimony of your faith. I am deeply sorry for your loss and will continue to lift you up during the days to come.

May the Lord bless and keep you, comfort you, sustain you, and hold you close.

Holly said...

I've been praying for you daily, Kimberly. I am so very sorry about baby James. Perhaps a blogging break will give you a bit o' step-back time or perhaps writing will help to work your thoughts out--either way, know that you are dearly loved.

I am reading "Persuasion" right now and think of you, as I read it, wishing I could ask you questions, since you are such an Austen expert and officianado.
Love you much in Jesus,
holly

Mrs. Bonnie said...

You take as long of a break as you feel you need to, we all understand. I know contacting others will be tough,and an e-mail will be fine you can talk when you'e ready. Also I think the post you put up with the Psalm and your added note sums it up all fine, and you could send out that as your e-mail. Ignore anyone who may get pushy for details (sadly some will do it, not knowing what else to say)until you are ready, or not at all, it's really not their business if you don't choose to share.
As Brenda said, life will go on, strange as it seems, and remember you have a network of friends lifting you up before our Prince of Peace and loving you even if you don't personally know us.
Hugs again~
Bonnie

Sharon said...

Dear Kimberly -

I wish I had words that could just "make everything better" - but that's just not possible. You are a grieving mama - (and part of a grieving family) and that's what you need to let everyone know. Life won't ever be the same - but it will go on -
In the meantime, please soak up the love from all those who care so very much about you - and rest in the prayers and gentle hugs that are being sent your way. "We" all care so much for you - - -

Mrs. MK said...

Hugs and Prayers!

Psalm 139 was mine through loss, too!

New Mom said...

I'm so sorry Kimberly. I'll be praying for your strength and peace.

Renee said...

So sorry for your loss! You will be in my thoughts and prayers!
Renee

Davene said...

James Edward--what a great, strong name. I think it's wonderful that you were able to know that he was a boy. We didn't have that knowledge during our loss, and I wish we did.

As far as letting people know, my miscarriage happened in December so we included the news with our Christmas letter so it would reach to our closest friends and family that way. Inevitably though, there were some awkward moments when someone who had not heard the news made a comment. I think in your situation, sending an email with the words from your last post is a great idea.

Like the others have said, feel free to take all the time you need to deal with this. There is no pressure to blog...just use it as a tool IF it's helpful to you.

Above all, I pray that you will continue to feel held in the arms of Jesus...and feel the warm love that so many people have for you.

Shan said...

Kimberly,

Please know that you are kept in my prayers. Just keep taking tiny steps each day...that is all you can do.

Yours truly,
Shan
Honey Hill Farm

Erica said...

Kim,

I came about your blog via Joanne (@ The Simple Wife) - June 3rd I lost my baby at 13 weeks. As I mourn I think of you and lift you up in prayer as well. For me it's been six weeks and I can say the emotions come and go... in matter of minutes I can feel happiness, sadness, grief, anger, joy... I want you to know that you have the right to feel however you want and you also owe it to yourself to "just be in the moment" - in other words do not brush away your emotions as they come, but just let them be (not sure this). If you ever want to talk - even though you don't know me - I can promise I know so much of what you are going through right now.

tonia said...

dear kimberly,

i've been so wrapped up here at home that i entirely missed this...please know i am praying for your aching heart and arms. i am truly sorry for your loss.

(((kimberly)))

may the Lord give you deep rest in His peace.

Angie said...

I remember after losing Joshua how I felt like EVERYTHING else was just silly. Blogging seemed silly and I didn't know how to write the "next post." But I learned that writing about it actually really helped me, and I had to get over the "guilt" of writing about frivolous things even in the midst of my sadness. Maybe those seemingly silly things are what helped me get through those dark days, but the harsh truth is, life goes on whether we think that's fair or not.

Since I'm commenting after the fact, I'm glad you've gotten back into the swing of things and are posting again. (Even though all that canning business made my head spin!) Day by day, friend.

And James Edward is a beautiful name. Maybe our boys are cooing up a storm up there in heaven...

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